I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
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Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
When can I start eating bats again.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*