I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!