When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question