I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO