[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
You Might Also Like
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back