Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.