If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.