The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
You Might Also Like
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question