I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
You Might Also Like
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily