I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My current situation
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”