I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.


One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”


I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair


Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.


I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.


Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make


[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*


DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”