@vagina_cakes

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

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@jawahomer

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@impractic_al

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

@NuclearBavarian

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

@Brentweets

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

@Beatonm5

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

@briancthayer

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..