Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
me when the borders lift
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”