I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Snapes on a plane.
