@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

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@DogPishRed

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

@birkinmami

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

@WilliamAder

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

@FrilentMusic

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

@Book_Krazy

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

@SteveSuckington

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

@kentgrossarth

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?