Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[montage of me giving-up]
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…