A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
#SCOTUS one-star review
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree![]()
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.