A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”