wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
You Might Also Like
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.