@SmithWit I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
@katiefzack Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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@SmithWit 
@CrockettForReal I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
@jakery In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
@AndLive2Love My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
@Royal_Stein Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
@BenOnus_Kenobus I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
@SnellWarren I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
@Roweboat13G A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
@Not_From_Troy – Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?