@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

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@SmithWit

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

@CrockettForReal

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

@jakery

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

@AndLive2Love

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@Roweboat13G

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?