Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?