@Holy_Mowgli [police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
@katiefzack Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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@Holy_Mowgli 
@JohnLyonTweets *approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
@Jake_Vig Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
@FatherWithTwins Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
@NerishaLakha My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
@JimmerThatisAll I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
@justinmatic5000 The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
@vagina_cakes I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
@TheToddWilliams [Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
@mrjohndarby [arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?