Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

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I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.


I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels


In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.


My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…


I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?


Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.


A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.


– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?