Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You Might Also Like
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be