[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
You Might Also Like
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it