Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
You Might Also Like
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I cannot call her anything else now
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.