I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh