I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem