If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You Might Also Like
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.