Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.