God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said âi work in subwayâ and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If by environmentalist you mean âI try to get out of doing things by saying itâs bad for the environmentâ then yes, Iâm an environmentalist.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. itâs ok, iâll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: Maybe Iâll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: Itâs my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, letâs play together
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I donât speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend âthereâs no need to get so emotionalâ in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since Iâm such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
How my city treated us singles yesterdayđŽâđ¨đŠ
Unexpected Judgment
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
âSo your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.â
âThatâs right.â
âAnd itâs called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?â
âYesâ
âButs it not really about Christmas is it? Itâs mostly about figgyââ
ââfiggy pudding yeah.â
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
where do you get off assuming i donât love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
âYou gotta keep âem separatedâ – The Offspring doing their laundry
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.