In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Not messing around
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.