You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.