*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.