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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
an airline just for babies.