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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[montage of me giving-up]
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.