PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.