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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo