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Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Lassie, get help!
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class