DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I think I’m having a stroke
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.