Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“I’m helping” 😅
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.