Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
IT’S-A ME,
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re