me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information