It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
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7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!