[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word