doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
bears
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Can’t, holding a grudge