You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
What about second breakfast?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.