Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
cyclists
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
🙄😏😂🤣
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.