Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.