@CherBear162

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

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@_Tempo11

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

@NewDadNotes

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

@jordan_stratton

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

@yenniwhite

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

@WilliamAder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

@Try2StopME

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@mom_tho

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

@upsidedowntrash

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?