I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Same post same
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere