I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.


[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000


Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )


FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?


I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…


Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June


Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.


My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.


*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork


kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*


ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?