If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
me: need a tissue?
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?