You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep