I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Who.
Did.
This?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
This is the one
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos