In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no