I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.