I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
In banana years, I am bread.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.