Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
#parenting
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off