Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
he was correct
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.