Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My Sentiments Exactly
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
U talkin 2 me?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.