You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11