The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.