Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.