The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?